Confessions: understanding my lack of faith

Hebrew11:6 And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

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Just an un-related photo I came across…I dare you to resist a smile . TUCKER, age 3

I think the true mark of mature Christian is a steady spiritual perspective regardless of circumstance.  Whether it be an unexpected bill, a rocky relationship, illness, the death of a loved one, or even just dealing with your daily grind…to witness someone who continuously seeks God and praises him through a struggle, is always an amazing and encouraging thing.  To be that example for someone who is just learning about our Lord’s love can be an amazing turning point in their life. I strive to be in that place daily and I am too often swayed.

Once upon a time, (a few weeks ago, wish it was longer.. but I’m confessing here) in the midst of a bad news, I would dwell there. I would sit in the darkness of my gloom while asking. “Why me.”   It irritates me to even type those words…only because I’ve wallowed in them too much.  It feels so ugly to my spirit, yet it is so easy to go into a “poor me” state. I am embarrassed of that worldly behavior only because I know that, my life is not my own and it’s not all about me.  And to truly understand that in the depths of my soul brings joy and relief. Joy to know that I am held in high regard by my God and relieved to know that He is in control of my life and circumstances. I am pretty sure that the Lord isn’t looking for ways to screw me over.

Comparing myself to others is a big hang-up for me.  I  tend to look at what others have and secretly criticize their spiritual or lack-there-of,  walk with God.  So I think, “God, why are you rewarding them, and they don’t even give you and a single thought!  Meanwhile I seek you in all I do and where is my reward?  ( Nevermind, my amazing husband and  smart/talented kids and having our needs met… I want what that girl has!  She’s going on three vacations a year!”) 

Sounds awesome, right?  Yep, what a dufus I can be. Who am I to question his provision for me.   Whether it’s with my words, my actions or by my thoughts, my purpose is to glorify Him. Even if my husband wasn’t the most studly (totally hypothetical) of them all, or my kids weren’t the best ever…we are commanded to glorify him where ever we are.

If I truly believe my life is in God’s hands and believe in his absolute omnipresence, then why would I ever worry or question my circumstance? SAY IT WITH ME: lack of faith.  The lack of faith in that He knows what He is doing and that He won’t drop me from his care.

Anyway, I have at least reached a place that when I feel disappointed, I no longer wallow in “why me.” (well, I at least wallow for a shorter time) I have now learned to seek His word.  To immediately go to my God and talk to him as my friend.  I ask Him to pull my heart up out of the muck and mire and apply his truth to my trouble.  Sometimes it is a tug-of-war , but my God always wins because I am His. I cling to this truth from the verse above.. “because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.”

Much love to you!

Meredith

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4 thoughts on “Confessions: understanding my lack of faith

  1. I am so inspired by your words . . . and your faithful walk. You are an awesome woman of such strength and goodness. Wish I could say you learned it from me, but I know it’s truly the Holy Spirit living in you. May God bless your blogging because I know it will bless so many others. Mom

  2. Great words Meredith. It’s hard to be transparent and honest about our failures doubts and at the same time that is exactly what God wants from us. It is only when we admit who we really are that we get His full attention. The blog is great, keep it up. God bless

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